Matt Schiavenza From the Dragon to the Apple- A Sinophile in New York

The Twenty Steps of Writing a Grad School Paper

1. Receive paper topic from professor, file in backpack

2. Remark that the assignment seems "fair" and mentally mull over a few possible things to write about.

3. Forget completely about the assignment for a week

4. Realize that you better get started, so pack your bags and head to the library to do "research"

5. Walk around the library looking for the perfect study spot but realize that all the good ones are taken

6. Settle in to start work but end up in a 45-minute conversation with one of your classmates, griping about how onerous the assignment has suddenly become.

7. Find a few sources and jot down some notes, telling yourself that this constitutes an "outline". Then go home and do something else.

8. Realize a day or two later that the paper is due imminently and you haven't started writing. Panic, briefly. Then march off to the library and tell yourself that you're going to buckle down and just do it.

9. Get a seat but realize you don't have any water. You can't work without water. It's physically impossible!

10. Start writing but decide that a little peek at Facebook wouldn't be harmful. Spend the next 20 minutes methodically going through each of the 67 photos your hot classmate posted about her vacation to Barbados.

11. Think hateful, homicidal thoughts about your professor.

12. Think hateful, homicidal thoughts about the people near you who are giggling. Who can giggle in a time like this?

13. Get into an argument with your friend on Google Talk about football.

14. Read a few articles in The New York Times, because you're a grad student and it's your responsibility to stay informed. Right?

15. Fart around online and stare at old Maxim photos of Mila Kunis. Fantasize that Mila Kunis was your classmate and you could take her out to coffee anytime you wanted. Wonder if Mila Kunis could help you with your paper.

16. Organize and color code your Google Calendar.

17. Think that going to the gym, which you haven't done in weeks, would help you concentrate. Go to the gym for an hour.

18. Return to your paper and start to panic. Indulge in intense feelings of self-loathing about your propensity to procrastinate. Vow that next time you're going to do things differently.

19. Start writing, feverishly. Realize that you actually don't mind the assignment and that it wasn't as hard as you thought. Think, darkly, that had you given yourself enough time it wouldn't have been too bad at all

20. Turn your paper in, warts and all. Then go drink beer and congratulate yourself for having worked so hard.