Matt Schiavenza From the Dragon to the Apple- A Sinophile in New York

Being Home

Since moving to China in 2004, this is the sixth time that I've come home for a visit. Unlike the previous five occasions, this time I do not have any set plans to return.

In times past, my visits home would follow a fairly predictable emotional arc. I'd spend the first week in a fog-like state caused by jet lag and culture shock. Then there'd be two weeks of seeing friends and family, enjoying familiar restaurants and sights, and stocking up on books and clothes. The final week would then be characterized by a strong longing for going back and resuming my life in China.

This time has been different. Since I'm not going back, I've focused more on establishing a rhythm. Going to a Mexican restaurant or to a movie are no longer special occasions but rather quotidian activities that must, like all things, fit in the budget. Seeing friends has been less urgent than before. Many have pledged to visit me in New York, and those that haven't know they'll see me when I come back to California for Christmas.

In the past I'd occasionally feel alienated from peers here in California, particularly when people would ask me questions about my life in China. I used to worry that I was approaching a stage when I had become too Sinified and would never feel comfortable in my own country again. These worries have completely abated. I now feel that I have the wonderful luxury of being at home in two places.

Of course, I haven't yet shaken the China cobwebs out of my brain. The other day, I found myself wandering down the middle of a suburban road near my house when a driver swerved and lobbed an expletive in my direction. For a brief moment I wondered what the man's problem was until I realized that the sidewalk in the US, unlike in China, is more than just a gentle suggestion.

In Kunming, a friend of mine used to quip: 'China will be pretty nice once it's finished'. A joke, to be sure, but also an accurate observation. The overwhelming feeling one gets in China is that the whole country is a giant construction site. It is difficult to appreciate the pace of change in China until going back to the developed world. In the small suburb near San Francisco where I grew up, long-time residents tell me how much the place has changed. But I can't get over how much everything has remained the same.

The Chinese will often say, occasionally in halting English, that theirs is a developing country. I used to sneer at this comment as it seemed designed to deflect the corruption, despotism, and degradation that I saw as China's real root problems. Today, I feel the distinction between 'developing' and 'developed' is paramount while hand-wringing over political systems and human rights misses the point.

My future home, New York, considers itself the 'center of the world'- it would be hard to imagine anything more developed. More observations to come...