Matt Schiavenza From the Dragon to the Apple- A Sinophile in New York

Can You Be My Friend?

The other day I walked into a little 烩饭 joint near my office for lunch. The place was chock full of young Chinese people, most of whom students from the nearby high school. As I took my seat, I took out my iPod and book and waited for my 宫保鸡丁炒饭. A second later, a guy in his early 20s came and sat opposite me. He said, "Excuse me? I want to improve my oral English. Can we be friends?"

My response:
"Can we be friends? Heh Heh...well, I suppose in a technical sense it would be impossible to rule out. I'm sure that, given a certain set of circumstances, we could, yes, become friends. But I think you mean that you want us to become friends immediately. That, my friend, is an entirely different matter."

"What constitutes a friend?" I continued. "Perhaps one with whom I have things in common, or perhaps one whose personality attracts me. Given that I've only just met you and don't even know your name, it is simply premature to ascertain whether we have what it takes to make it as friends. I take it that you, unless you somehow have been stalking me, also know nothing about me. Therefore, in a logical universe you too would deduce that becoming my friend would be impossible to tell at this point."

"But there's something else. You don't have to know me. All you know is that I am white, and you made the (understandable) assumption that I speak English. Congratulations, you guessed right. I do speak English, and what's more, I'm even a professional teacher with experience teaching people just like you. But friends? I strongly suspect your only motive to be my friend is to improve your English, and, to quote many an ex-girlfriend, I feel used. Would you approach me if I looked Chinese? Would you pursue this line of inquiry if I were Russian? Or French? Aren't you discriminating against all the other people in this restaurant on the basis of their nationality? In fact, wouldn't it be likelier that you would have more in common with them, both being from the same city?"

"In fact, I'm just like you. Just another guy living in Kunming, trying to make a living, trying to get ahead. That I'm foreign matters little- we're just men, you and I. I'm sure you have many friends; people who like you because of your personality, wit, or whatever else. I have many friends too. I don't choose them because of their skin color, or ethnicity, or native language. I would find that troubling, wouldn't you? So no, sir, we can't be friends. Not just yet, anyway. Perhaps if we meet again, doing something of mutual interest, a friendship could blossom. But by forcing the matter, you're making it less and less likely that I'll give in. I'm sorry"

In fact, as you probably have guessed, I said none of this. I made a feeble suggestion that he place an ad looking for an English teacher, to which he nodded but appeared not to understand. I then repeated my suggestion in Chinese, which he understood, but ignored. He then asked me for my phone number.

These situations are always awkward. He seemed like a nice, harmless guy. Furthermore, I confess that I take advantage of my otherness here in China when convenient, so perhaps I'm being hypocritical here. Then again, it's difficult to live in a place in which your very otherness is your most salient characteristic. If combating that means disappointing a brave young person, then well..so be it.