Matt Schiavenza

Here’s a joke my Chinese friend taught me:

A stutterer (结巴) walks into a shop to buy a bottle of beer. When he asks the merchant how much one costs, he is told “20 yuan”

Shocked at the high price, the stutterer says “开开开开开开开。。。”

Hearing this word, the merchant does as he’s told and opens the bottle.

Then, the stutterer finishes his sentence: “开玩笑”

Explanation:
In Chinese, 开 means “open”. The verb to open is usually rendered 打开, but 开 gets the job done. “开玩笑” means, in this case, “you’re joking”. A bottle of beer in a shop should cost around 3 or 4 yuan, so 20 is a ridiculous price. So, translated into English, the stutterer meant to say “you’re joking” but instead said “open”, forcing him to pay for the beer.

Here’s another one:
Deng Xiaoping plans to travel to the United States on a state visit. Embarrassed by his non-existent English, Deng asks an aide to help him prepare for a press conference. The aide says, “OK. The first question they’re going to ask you is “What’s your last name?”. The second question will be ‘What’s your first name?’. The third question will be, “Where do you want to go in America?”. Deng nods and prepares his answers.

Upon arriving at the press conference, a reporter asks Deng: “Where will you be staying in the United States?”. Deng, not understanding, remembers that the first question would ask him for his last name. So he says: “我姓邓” (Wo sheeng dung). “Ah, Washington!” someone cries, and the reporters dutifully record his answer in their notebooks.

Then, a reporter asks Deng: “What would you like to do during your stay in America?” Deng again doesn’t understand, but remembers that the second question would ask him for his first name. He says, “小平” (Sheeow Ping). “Ah, shopping!” someone says, and the reporters write his response down.

The third journalist asks Deng: “In your opinion, what will be the most pressing internal matter for China during the first years of the 21st century?” Deng is startled by the length of the question, and forgets his aide’s words that the third question would ask him where he’d like to go in the US. So, in his native Sichuan dialect, Deng says “什么？(sar zuh?). “Ah, SARS!” someone cries, and so Deng managed to impress the reporters without ever understanding a word they said.

There’s actually a fourth part to this joke involving a president of Taiwan, but I’ve forgotten it.

And finally, here’s an aphorism a Chinese guy told me months ago:
“喝酒对肝坏处， 抽烟对肺坏处，不喝酒不抽烟对心坏处”
(Drinking is bad for your liver, smoking is bad for your lungs, but not drinking and not smoking is bad for your heart)