Matt Schiavenza From the Dragon to the Apple- A Sinophile in New York

Airplane Tidbits

If, you, like me, are not afraid of flying you might agree that the worst part of long flights is the boredom. The San Francisco to Beijing flight takes 12 hours, for example. I like reading magazines, but not for 12 hours. I like watching movies, but not for 12 hours. I like listening to music, but not for 12 hours. In fact, even if I were to divide my time evenly between these three activities, I'd still find myself crushed with boredom.

So on this most recent flight I made a point to jot down as many observations as I could, just to stave off the boredom. Here are some:

-I love the maps and statistics they show you, and I even find it thrilling to know that on the San Francisco to Beijing flight the plane crosses the Bering Strait. But one stat annoys me: the outside temperature. Does anyone, save the odd mountaineer, care how cold it is at 35,000 feet? Wouldn't it be more interesting to know what the temperature is in Alaska in January? Why can't airplanes give you that information, but instead tell you that it's 70 below high above the clouds?

-Five or so years ago I was sitting in the last row on a cross-country flight, New York to San Francisco. Just before take-off, the stewardess approached the guy sitting directly in front of me. "Sir, are you traveling alone?"
"Yes"
"Would you object if we moved you to first class?"

Before she finished her sentence he had already grabbed his bag and practically skipped up the aisle, triumphantly flinging open the curtain and taking his seat amongst the privileged passengers. I sulked and stewed- for the whole flight.

This, the stewardess approached me and asked me if I could move, as they wanted to put a family of four all in the same row. I asked, cheekily, if I could be moved to first class. She giggled in the Chinese way that means "you're not as cute as you think you are" and said, "No". Another effort to sit in first class foiled.

- I sat in front of two Chinese grandparents and a little boy, maybe three or four years old. The boy was predictably restless and noisy, much to the consternation of the cabin. The grandmother attempted to put him to sleep, but her method was questionable: she repeatedly shouted "sleep!" "sleep!" to the boy. How soothing!

-Jerry Seinfeld famously asked why all airplane bathrooms have used razor blade dispensers. I consciously looked for one this time, and couldn't find it. Did the airlines get embarrassed and remove them? Although pace Seinfeld people sometimes do shave on the plane, they always use an electric razor. I'd love it, though, if someone were to slowly shave in the bathroom while a line of people waited impatiently to pee.

- Everyone hates airplane food, and I'm no exception. But for some reason I love eating on the airplane. I devour every meal, no matter how disgusting, with the fervor of a condemned man. I love the whole ritual, actually: the stewardess offering pork or beef, the tinfoil wrapping, the little bread rolls neatly contained in plastic and the miniscule stick of butter. On this last flight, I even asked the stewardess when the next meal was coming and became quite excited when she said "a minute or two". It amazes me how I relish every bite of a terrible meal. Boredom does have its virtues, I suppose.

- Here's a suggestion: why not junk all the seats in coach and just install sofas and coffee tables? It'd create a convivial atmosphere, not like the prison-style set up we use today. Just turn the flight into a 12 hour cocktail party- now that wouldn't get boring!